“and I’d choose you;
in a hundred lifetimes
in a hundred worlds,
in any version of reality,
I’d find you and
I’d choose you”
~ The Chaos of Stars
I was surprised to find him embrace me mildly when caught me texting a friend about my sadness for my ex will going to married this June. He is my hubby.
I was ‘accidentally’ married him. Back in the day, he was only my escape. Yes, I was not really in love with him when decided to accept his marriage proposal. That time I had broken with my ex and he was the place for me to run and cried. He always had his should for me to cry on. During two years, he chase me hardly. I rejected him many times and I said I still expected to come back with my ex. Dating and split up with ex had been my routine for me, he didn’t give up.
I have never accepted his love, but he replied with twice marriage proposal in a year. What? Yes, this guy almost made me crazy. Leo, my friend laugh hard on me when knowing this. But Leo said to me this guy is a real man and will make me immensely happy for his sincere love. And again, Leo also said that I can’t expect anything from that little guy ( my ex ) because he is just the player. I believed and knew it very well that my ex love me very much, but he was never ready for commitment.
In the third time hubby proposed me, I forced my self to accept him. First, because I knew I should move on from the player. Second, because of my besties and family advises so– everyone said hubby is amazing person for never give up chasing me and his nice personality.
When I accepted his proposal, I told him that I wasn’t really ready actually. And I didn’t want to have a sex before I’m ready enough. I thought it would enough to make him stop for a while. Surprisingly, he was okay with that. I was thinking like “what kind of guy are you!”.
During our married, I disappointed him too often. My ex often contacted me and flirted me. I had some affairs with ex that finally caught by hubby. You can’t hide everything as the saying goes. It was two years after our marriage.
When he knew that, he didn’t show his anger. He asked to me having intimate conversation and success made me feeling the worst regret in my life. “I’m sorry trying hard to take you from him. I know I should not force you badly. The most important thing from a relationship is to see our lover becomes happy. So, yes, finally, I’m ready to divorce you”.
That statement sounds like a punishment for me. It was like I hear the thunder in a cloudy day. From all of we had been through, this was the only statement from him I couldn’t accept. It really smashed me. And suddenly I felt like I don’t want to let him go. I slept with fear and worry since that time. I don’t care with my ex anymore since I saw that sadness and disappointed on his face.
Few days later he gave me the divorce application letter, tears flown in my cheek. He stared at me, but I didn’t have any brave to stare at him back. I can’t hold my self anymore to hug him and sorry and that I didn’t want a divorce. I told him with tears that I couldn’t sleep for feeling guilty. I told him that it really hurts me worst to hear ‘divorce’ from his mouth.
“But you loved him so much, don’t you?”, said him.
“ Yes, I loved him so much. But my eyes has opened now that I love you and I don’t want to lose you”, I said.
Hubby hug me tightly. “That was very nice words to hear. Is that true?”.
I nodded him and promise will never do the same mistake anymore.
That time was new level for our relationship. I have officially cut any keys to contact with my ex and learn to be a good wife for husband. My ex still tried any ways to contact me, but hubby always find a way to keep me away from him. And I had strong commitment to leave all those old memories behind which made me feeling alright.
Now, after eight years of our marriage, we have two children. I just hear that my ex is getting married next month. Yeah, everything was fine so far. But I told hubby why I feel sad to hear that news. I always speak honestly to him for what I felt. He told me it’s normal because in the past I had five years complicated relationship with ex. It was quit long age of relationship.
“But after this, the new curtain has officially opened”, said him.
“We have our own life and your ex is officially move on with new life. Be happy for him, because he is growing up now”.
Weird! Hubby words really calming down and make me feeling peaceful. Since I know I had him, I could never ask anything more to God. I have the best hubby in the world. He is more than just hubby for me. He is also my best friend, my best advisor, my guidance and brother too. I must be crazy to lose him for another guy. Glad I knew my mistake and fixed that before too late.