“When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you.
It has nothing to do with me.
I love what you are, what you do and how you try.
I’ve seen your kindness and your strength.
I’ve seen the best and the worst of you.
And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.”
( Thought Of You, June 1 2013 )
Love is not always the winner and I was born to be the witness..
She is always in my mind. She is brilliant girl, brave, alive and the best woman I’ve ever met. Her kindness and hard work has touched me and change my perspective on many things. Our first meet was when I work for Car Leasing Company. She was new sales marketing with impressive performance. I was technician only, but she fell in love with me. She is very warm and friendly. In very short time, I was in love with her. It’s very easy to fall in love with girl who shared her rainbow to people around her. I was crazy about her and I could never control this feeling. Until the point I realized I had engaged with my childhood friend, Suzanne.
I told this to Arine later after pulling my courage. She cried, but I told her again, that the feeling has changed after met her. She trusted me. She just said that she would be okay to be the second best. So, the relationship went on. She was my affair, but for me she was everything. I promised her to find a way to cut off my relationship with Suzanne slowly, and she believed me. We are such as teenager who just knew about love. When I was being with her, I felt like young again, wild again and excited.
I thought it would be easy to end my relationship with Suzanne. But it’s more complicated because this woman didn’t want me to leave. She approached my family to get wedding approval and the situation just pushed me. My family likes Suzanne so much because she was just like family and daughter for my mother. I tried to reject, but Suzanne threat me will suicide if I decided to leave. Family suddenly arranged the wedding behind me and forced me to accept. This situation makes me get mad. In one side, Suzanne always said suicide like crazy, and in other side my family pushed me for the wedding. The pressure became bigger and bigger when my bestie told me that Suzzane planned something to ruin Arine and threatened her life. It made me worry. I told this to Arine, and she was shock. She didn’t say anything. She looks so scared that our beautiful story will end up soon. She didn’t even think about herself, but only our relationship and Suzanne. Slowly she admitted it was a mistake to fall in love with the guy who was not single anymore. She thought she was the first who started to hurt Suzanne.
My world changed and since that we don’t talk each other.. I tried to reach Arine by phone and met her at office and home, but she always avoided me… I tried to reach her all over again, but she always found a way to escape.
Three months later Arine finally just replied my text message:
“I love you so much. But I don’t like to hurt Suzanne. I know we have done wrong by started this affair. Now, it’s time to fix everything: married her and you have made two women you love the most become the happiest women in the world”
I am a man, but I couldn’t avoid tears flew in my chain. She may heard rumor that wedding card will spread soon. And this text message implied two things : that she knew I may cast away Suzanne in last minute before the wedding to get with her so she just tried to restrain me or she has completely moved on from the impossibility about our relationship. In eight minutes she replied me again:
“I’m okay, Nick, don’t be worry. You will have a wonderful life with Suzanne. Trust me”
“I’m so sorry… I hurt you I know”
Arine replied again:
“Being with you was the best spent time in my life. I never regret it. I love you, I really really love you… but it’s time for me to leave 🙁 . Please don’t ever hurt her anymore, I beg you… ”
This was the saddest message I have ever read. and I hate to reply it pretending I’m okay and happy about it. At the same time, I feel relieved. I knew She was lie to say that she was okay. It’s embarrassing that I never brave enough to decide it by myself and being trapped like this. It’s a mistake..
In the following weeks, I will get married with my first love. But with days counting, I just feel like this as burden. There’s no love, but just responsibility and pity. I’m going to marry a promise… And the worst moment would be in my wedding day, when people expect me to smile, laugh and happy, I have to pretend to be somebody I am not. That was very sad…